What Does Graduated Laura Look Like?
Photo by: Shutterstock / hxdbzxy
I went out with my childhood friends for New Year’s Eve. Finally, I’ve transitioned into an aspect of mature living with two friends that I grew up with. We went from house parties to bar hopping in our hometown, and I anticipated reminiscing and creating new memories. What I didn’t expect were those old friendships that stood still to be around every corner. My elementary school friends, old coworkers, and musical theatre castmates were at every bar we walked into.
The classic social filler question that came out of every person’s mouth was “what are your plans after college?” I asked them the same question, and I immediately regretted it after I heard their responses.
To my surprise, people seemed to have their lives drawn out. Whether it be a master’s program, a spiffy new job with benefits and paid vacation time, or moving out into a new apartment, they had something planned for their futures. And my response? “I’m still trying to figure things out.”
Why can’t I grasp onto the version of myself that is trying to keep me sane in such an uncertain time? “Take a deep breath, focus on what you’ve accomplished. Take control of the now, and things will fall into place.” But who am I kidding, I hate her. The worry monster seems to be much more realistic.
I am used to committing to something for four years and working towards a goal to its completion, and repeat. These short-term life goals were what I could handle. And now I have four months to decide where the rest of my life will take me. Have I seen enough of the world to decide where I fit in it? And even if I come to a decision, what if I hate it?
In school, what subdued the pressure of consistently having flawless work was that we were all learning and we were there to make mistakes. I look on LinkedIn at the jobs available, and I fear that I am not qualified enough for the job. I’ve studied for years and years just for my anxiety to take over and tell me that I suck at everything, and I have nothing to give to the world. There’s no room for mistakes when people are counting on me.
This week is the start of my last semester of school, maybe ever. I have a meeting with my career advisor, titled “Job Search” appointment. I made the appointment hoping to alleviate the worry monster in my head, and maybe to give me some new ideas on how to approach the next semester, or year. I’m assuming they’ve heard every worry and complaint from graduating students about the months ahead, and the extra help wouldn’t hurt.
One day, I hope to look back on my blog as an evolved version of myself and question what I was so worried about. But right now, I cannot picture her. I cannot picture where I’ll be in five years, a year, or even after graduation. All I know is that I’ve at least got to come up with a better response for next New Year’s Eve.
