Didn’t Know I Could Thrive Alone

Laura Riggle at the Brooklyn Bridge. Photo by Laura Riggle.

What frustrates me most about myself is my indecisiveness. Like with the weather, I struggle with the winter and complain until I get tired about how I hate the snow, the ice, the layering of clothes, everything. I wish for the summer where I can finally wear what I want to wear, do outdoor activities without getting frostbite. When the leaves start to grow back on the trees, and I can finally put my winter jackets away, it then gets too hot, and I grumble on about the humidity and the sweating and the mosquitoes.

This indecisiveness is what I am struggling with currently in my life now. Ever since the spring of 2023, I’ve been waiting for the day where I can get back to New York City, where I don’t have to drive my car everywhere and where I can find something to do by just walking down the street.

Now I’m here, and don’t get me wrong, I love it, but now I miss the things I took for granted at home, like long drives around the beach with my music blaring, or my quiet town where all I can do is sit and watch a show or movie with my mom. Yet I know when I go home, I will be longing to come back.

This semester has challenged me in a different way than the last time I was here. I was at a different point in my life back then, only a year and a half ago. I didn’t have this pressure to find my place in the world, and I could just enjoy the present more. I’ve had to search for this mindfulness and acceptance of the present, and the best way I have found that is through my independence.

I may not know exactly where life is going to take me right now, and the more I think about it, the further into the rabbit hole I go, but I do know that wherever I go, I need to be comfortable with myself and be able to find the joys in being alone.

And I have. I have traveled to new places alone, seen new shows, talked to strangers, and I did all of that whilst being secure in myself. I found that traveling by myself allowed me to do what I wanted to do. If I wanted to walk down the Pier until my feet hurt, I could, and if I wanted to stop and indulge in the scenery, I could. I ended up enjoying my own company, and I was surprised at that, because at times, my mind doesn’t turn off.

I focused a lot on planning, and while through this, I was able to stay on track this semester, next semester, my goal is to not be so hard on myself. I don’t need every assignment to be done three weeks in advance. I feel like I sound stupid even typing that, but that is the way my mind works, and it makes life exhausting.

There are times where I feel like I cannot breathe or enjoy anything until an assignment is done. I am over being ruled by my own fear of failure or rejection, and I am over losing opportunities because of it.

My two highest achievements this semester came from my internship experience and my capstone project. My internship took me out of my normal and placed me into the professional world, whether it was through me commuting to work, or engaging in business conversations, or even representing a company.

Through my capstone project, this blog, I have gotten the routine down, and through investigating new topics and taking opportunities that have fallen into my lap, I have created blogs, reviews, and research articles that I am proud of. I can see myself slowly improving, or at least becoming more confident in myself, and that was truly the goal all along.

Saying goodbye to New York is tough because being so close yet far from the city has been having a whole new world at my fingertips. But like I said last time I was here, I will somehow find my way back here. I thought coming here “one last time” would allow me to get New York out of my system, but who was I kidding, no matter how many times I come back here, New York will always be my dream.